Derp Souls: Ultimate Rap Battles of Darkness
by OmegaKhaos
Summary: A rift between the Nexus and Lordan has sprung up! And all the inhabitants are in a rapping mood. What will happen? LETS FIND OUT! M for cursing and lewd language, you have been warned you scrubs.
1. Chosen Undead Vs Demon Slayer

Omega: As you can guess from the title, I have decided to do some rap battles for Dark Souls characters. I hope all of you enjoy and feel free to leave any suggestions in a PM or Review. Now to the announcer.

_**Beast: Welcome all of DKS fans, to the first Dark Souls rap battle competition! First up we have **_

_**The Chosen Undead! (Dark Souls)**_

_** VS.**_

_**The Demon Slayer! (Demon Souls)**_

_**BEGIN**_

**Demon Slayer:**

You're the new age boy,  
>I'm the ORIGINAL!<br>Yeah you are tough,  
>But I started it all!<p>

Slashing and Hacking,  
>Since before you were born!<br>I'm known all around,  
>As the demon's scorn!<p>

You get to win the first boss fight,  
>Not right here!<br>You're game is easy,  
>That's plain and clear!<p>

**Chosen Undead:**

Out with the old,  
>In the with the new!<br>I've killed Hollows,  
>Stronger than you!<p>

You wanna try easy?  
>Go talk to Havel!<br>Then there's that bitch Quelaag,  
>Who turns ugly at her navel!<p>

One more thing,  
>Before you think you have it in the bag!<br>Visit Blighttown,  
>And tell me about the lag!<p>

**Demon Slayer:**

Sure boss fights,  
>are really a hassle.<br>But don't get me started,  
>On that Tower Knight asshole.<p>

Big old shield,  
>And long ass lance.<br>He'll fuck you up,  
>Like you never had a chance!<p>

With your hands,  
>You hold the fate of the Undead.<br>Now stand back,  
>Before I cut off your head!<p>

**Chosen Undead:**

You threaten me with death?  
>That's pretty funny.<br>Last time I checked,  
>You suck demon dick for money.<p>

Based on your skill,  
>You better be glad!<br>That I don't introduce you,  
>To Mr. Giantdad!<p>

You think you're strong,  
>You think you're tall.<br>You killed one god,  
>I killed them all!<p>

**_WHO IS VICTORIOUS?  
><em>**

**_WHO WILL DUKE IT OUT NEXT?  
><em>**

**_YOU DECIDE! (Or the authors.)_**

Omega: I hope you all got plain and clear

**Khaos: Or my foot will be sticking out of ya rear!**


	2. Gwyn Vs Allant

Omega: Thanks to Mr. Earthscraper, we got some inspiration for today's rap battle match up. Now lets hand it off to our announcer!

**_Beast: Today we have,_**

**_Gwyn, Lord of Cinder!_**

**_AND_**

**_Allant, King of Boletaria!_**

**_BEGIN!_**

* * *

><p><strong>Gwyn<strong>

So you're the king of land long forgotten.  
>Cause all I see is a soul black and rotten.<br>I live in Lordan, Land of the Lords.  
>You ruined everything over some stupid sword!<p>

I'll turn you to ash and have the knights sweep you up!  
>Then I'll bring you back to life and feed you to Sif as a pup!<br>I don't think it was a sword that changed your world view.  
>You had a knight called the Penetrator, now what did he do?<p>

I burn forever for the sake of all.  
>Your lust for power led to your kingdom's fall.<br>I still have my two sons, so my legacy ain't lost.  
>You're nothing but a bad excuse for a final boss!<p>

**Allant**

Wanna talk about fucked families? Don't look at me!  
>I raised my kid right, you fucked up your three!<br>You disowned your firstborn over a piece of paper!  
>Then your second, you even let a dragon rape her<br>And with the way you raised your third son.  
>It's no wonder he turned out to be the gay one!<p>

To new players, your fight is something to be feared.  
>But once you know the strategy, its about as scraggly as your beard.<br>They say you hit hard when you're cracking skulls.  
>that won't be the case once i knock you down a few le-vels.<p>

My three knights were protecting me.  
>Not out chasing a little fantasy.<br>You left yours to defend your land.  
>Now your best is in Manus's hands.<p>

**Gwyn**

I fought in a war till the last breath.  
>You brought on a plague of nothing but death.<br>Locked your Magicians away in some crummy towers.  
>Who knows what those officials did after hours.<p>

I destroyed the Dragons, you're completely infested!  
>I don't think that last verse was properly digested.<br>I'll nip your little power trip right in the butt.  
>Now tell me how is it in the Old One's Gut<p>

But I gotta give ya props,  
>Man that was hella tight.<br>You took on your pops,  
>Now how was that fight?<p>

**Allant**

This sword is proof enough.  
>My father ain't tough.<br>Let me show you my stuff.  
>When the going gets rough.<p>

Out of my way before you're cleaved in two.  
>Like that foolish Demon Slayer.<br>(DS: HEY FUCK YOU TOO!)

At the end of this fight.  
>When the demons sing.<br>Bitch get outta my way.  
>Because I'm the king!<p>

* * *

><p><strong><em>Who won?<em>**

**_Who's next?_**

**_YOU CHOOSE!(or the authors.)_**

Omega: So that raps it up  
><strong>Khaos: Hope you ain't had Enough.<br>**Omega: Writing this was kinda tough  
><em><strong>Beast: GG gitgud Scrub<strong>_


	3. Garl Vs Leeroy

I would like to present all of you with the next installment in the Derp Souls Rap Battles. Beast, care to do the honors? (Thank Alone In The Blight for this one)

* * *

><p><em><strong>Gladly, today we have on our roster<strong>_

_**Garl Vinland**_

_**Vs**_

_**Paladin Leeroy!**_

**Garl**

You're a Paladin?  
>Bitch please.<br>When I am done kicking you ass  
>You will be begging on ya knees.<p>

I will crush you with Bramd  
>and get a talisman<br>Then I will hit you with God's wrath  
>in some deadly spamming<p>

My shield blocks magic  
>and puts Havel to shame<br>I will kill your ass  
>In my lover's name<p>

**Leeroy**

My name is LEEEEEROOOOY  
>But forget the Jenkins<br>Like those Undead assholes  
>Yo style be stanking<p>

Healing with Sanctus,  
>And smashing with Grant,<br>Like that bitch Pinwheel,  
>You ain't got a chance!<p>

I go in the Catacombs,  
>And those necros run in fear<br>Because bitch,  
>PALADIN LEEROY IS HERE!<p>

**Garl**

So you serve the Way of White?  
>My attempts will be just so fruitless<br>Oh wait, nevermind, last thing I heard,  
>You are all fucking USELESS!<p>

You kill Undead,  
>what a bit deal!<br>My religion actually,  
>tries to help and heal.<p>

All you ever will be is  
>A useless piece of trash!<br>And just like Astraea every night,  
>You gonna get SMASHED!<p>

**Leeroy**

The Way Of The White is pretty useless,  
>That is true.<br>Which is why,  
>I got some news for you!<p>

Former Way Of The White,  
>Now servant of the Gravelord!<br>Let me pass the mic,  
>To Nito the Ravelord<p>

**Nito**

Sup bitches,  
>its the Real Fucking Nito!<br>I spin records,  
>And look damn fine in a tuxedo!<p>

Imma cut you up,  
>And feed you to my boney dog Fluffy,<br>Then laugh my ass off,  
>Cuz that shit is funny.<p>

Now you messed with my buddy Leeroy,  
>That ain't gonna fly.<br>Because of that,  
>Now you DIE<p>

_**WHO WON?**_

_**WHO WILL BE NEXT?**_

_**YOU CHOOSE!**_

* * *

><p>Thus ends another battle. Hope you guys enjoyed it!<p>

**If not, we have the capacity to do it again.**

Of course. Now leave some suggestions in the reviews so we get ideas for other battles.

**Peace out bitches, and always \[T]/**


	4. Yurt Vs Lautrec

Omega: Thanks again to all of you who gave suggestions *cough* Scraper,Paragon,&RPGNerd *cough*.

**Khaos: You want some Tylenol for that?**

Omega: Nah, I'm good.

**Khaos: Good, I need you alive for a few more days.**

Omega: NO SWEATSHOP!

**Khaos: YES SWEATSHO-*CLANG***

Omega: Frying pans, always useful. Now over to the Beastman for our next competitors!

* * *

><p><em><strong>Beast: Alright DKS fans, ARE, YOU, READY? *crickets* Either you all are jackasses, or my dried finger's busted. Anyway...<strong>_

_**Yurt The Silent Chief,**_

_**VS,**_

_**Lautrec The Embraced!**_

_**BEGIN!**_

**Yurt**

Motherfucker who do you think ya are?  
>Quit steppin,<br>What the fuck is this?  
>You stole mah weapon!<p>

When it comes to skill,  
>I'm the star player.<br>Fucking bitches up,  
>Since the time of the Demon Slayer!<p>

I'm the name of the game,  
>So stay on the benches.<br>by the end of this verse,  
>the judges won't be on the fences.<p>

**Lautrec**

So you want to play against a knight of Carim?  
>I must warn you I am not as I seem.<br>I'll wear a smile on my face as I slit your throat  
>Then throw you in a river and watch your body float.<p>

I am loved by a goddess that is why they call me Embraced  
>And the ladies all love my handsome face.<br>With my shotels in hand I'll slice yo ass  
>Then pull a parry dagger, parry, and riposte real fast<p>

Now you better get ready to die a slow death  
>I'll look you in the eye and watch your final breath<br>I am deadly with blades and light on my feet  
>If you want to stay alive you best hope we never meet<p>

**Yurt**

Now I guess I gotta agree there except for one thing  
>You better hope we don't meet cause I'll make your head ring.<br>I'll kill you and get a nice bit a pay  
>So if you wanna live stay outta my way<p>

I am the master killer and could cripple an empire  
>You killed a blonde bitch and put out a fire<br>I wear pitch black armor to inspire fear  
>You look like a shitty piece a bling, so get outta here<p>

Even though we both sit in a cage.  
>At least when I get out I go on a rampage<br>So you gotta ring? Shorthand FAP?  
>Well, I guess that's something you do a lot better than rap.<p>

**Lautrec**

Wanna talk about cages? That's funny  
>Because you are stuck in one without the help of a buddy.<br>I can break myself out and get straight to business  
>You sit in there and are practically finished<p>

I am the master of deception, you got nothing on me  
>I am smart and don't need to go on a killing spree<br>Slay Ms. Anastasia and I am home free  
>I am better, that is plain to see<p>

Now while I am chilling in Anor Londo, my plan going off without a hitch  
>I'll make you sure you get stuck in Anal Rodeo ya bitch<br>I will say there is one thing that we both see eye to eye  
>Is that bastard Patches has gotta die.<p>

_**WHO WON?  
><strong>_

_**WHO'S GONNA FIGHT NEXT?  
><strong>_

_**YA'LL DECIDE!**_

* * *

><p>We hoped you all enjoyed this little tussle<p>

**Yeah cause now all of you gonna do the hussle!**

Bitch please you can't order shit

**Fine but Omega, you can suck a fat dick**

Well there was a reason you are my friend

**Cause I will kick our ass to the end**

Nevermind. Hope all of you guys enjoyed it and everything, peace out.


	5. Penetrator Vs Ornstein

Back we are with the next Rap Battle Of Darkness!

**And of course it is our utmost pleasure to bring them to you mortals.**

Condescending aside, we are somewhat sad to say that we won't really be doing any DKS 2 raps, yet.

**Mostly because dipshit here doesn't want the game to be spoiled for him via research.**

Yeah, really sorry, but be patient, and those wanted battles will be made so.

**Now on to what you people came here for. Beast, take it away.**

* * *

><p><em><strong>Gladly. Today on the Derp Souls roster is<strong>_

_**Metas The Penetrator!**_

_**VS.**_

_**Ornstein The Dragonslayer**_

_**BEGIN!**_

**Ornstein**

What up peeps! Dragonslayer in the house!  
>And Imma bout to spear this puny little louse.<br>I'll zap you with lighting, turn ya deep fried!  
>Then punch some holes in yo sorry hide.<p>

I am badass, plain and clear  
>Golden lion will fill ya with fear<br>Then go Vlad on your ass,  
>And impale you on a spear<p>

I'm captain of Gwyn's knights and rightfully so  
>Cause I wreck dragons, I'm sure you know.<br>Now get outta here or get flattened like dough,  
>by my good friend Executioner Smough<p>

**Penetrator**

You think I'm scared of that? Nice joke  
>I'll pop that fatass with a tiny little poke.<br>Stab through you and slice you to bits  
>I'm a deadly demon badass, so you best call it quits.<p>

Go straight through your defense and pierce your heart  
>Don't even bother blocking when I am ready to start<br>Slash and stab till the last verse is laid out,  
>I am an unstoppable beast, that's without a doubt.<p>

Now before I finish and walk away,  
>Just be wary of your final day<br>When I finally get my way  
>You and fatso gonna pay!<p>

**Ornstein**

I'm gonna pay? Motherfucker please.  
>Little flash of lightning and you'll be begging on your knees<br>Make you my bitch and give you to Smough  
>He likes em fresh, just so you know<p>

Speaking of him,  
>I need a break.<br>Gettem biggie,  
>In his boots I want him to quake.<p>

**Smough**

Look out! Cuz you gonna get smashed  
>With this big as hammer yo bones I will mash!<br>Make into a nice crunchy meal,  
>And throw you piece of shit armor in the tra- *STAB*<p>

**Penetrator**

Outta my way fatass I'm here for Goldmember  
>I'm called the Penetrator, that you better remember<br>Bend you over a barrel and take a guided tour,  
>Of you Smough-explored backdoor.<p>

Don't even try to think you a badass, Lion fag  
>Best you not walk away like you have it in that bag.<br>You got nothing on me,  
>Start waving the white flag.<p>

Now I will end this off on a good note.  
>Not meaning to, but I gotta gloat.<br>You are poor excuse for a royal guard,  
>Because I am about to give Gwynevere<br>18 inches of my regards.

_**WHO WON**_

_**WHO WILL BE NEXT?**_

_**YALL MOFOS DECIDE!**_

* * *

><p>There we go another battle done<p>

**Hope all you mortals liked this one**

Thanks for this one goes to RPGNerd and Paragon Emil

**Outro done, time to go make Gwyn's daughter squeal!**


	6. Dragon God Vs Seath

Yo Omega here  
><strong>And Khaos too!<br>**Ready to bring some raps  
><strong>To all of you!<br>**Pass the mic to the Beastie  
><strong>Damn those raps were cheesie<strong>

* * *

><p><em><strong>Thanks idiots. Now let's get this party started!<strong>_

_**Today we got**_

**Dragon God**

**VS!**

**Seath the Scaleless!**

**BEGIN BIATCHES!**

**Seath**

Dragon God? That's your name?  
>Come on! You're nothing but lame!<br>You were tough in Demon's Souls,  
>I'll give ya that.<br>But that was the past.  
>Cause now I'll take you out,<br>With a crystal blast!

Immortal albino will freeze ya solid  
>Then throw you in a prison,<br>That's oh so squalid.  
>Don't touch my crystal rod<br>Or you'll be destroyed.  
>I'll make the threat of you<br>Null, and void.

So you stay alive by eating souls?  
>That nothing to styling around<br>In some immortalizing  
>And pimping crystals.<br>Now leave this place,  
>Or my golems you can face.<p>

**Dragon God**

Don't mistake me for an idle threat  
>When it comes to dragons,<br>You can always bet.  
>I'll be top dog,<br>God of the rest,  
>Cause I'm the best!<p>

So you betrayed your kind and made Old Gwyn full o' joy.  
>You told him about lighting, gave the Giants a new toy.<br>After the war you got your own crib and some sick dental.  
>Though it didn't take long for you to bang yo boss's daughter,<br>And go ten kinds of mental.

Now you live in a cave like a crazed hermit,  
>Get any loopier and you'd turn into Kermit.<br>Tell me, you proud of that crystal rod of yours?  
>Seems like you couldn't satisfy Gwynevere,<br>Even when she went on all fours.

**Seath**

You wanna talk that way? Come at me.  
>I at least got some, from a chick with triple Z's<br>It turned out real well too.  
>Cause now I have a deadly daughter,<br>That can kill gods on cue.

I'm tired of this battle, call in the Dance Lords,  
>Channelers if you don't know,<br>Got moves like the Ravelord.  
>As my faithful servants,<br>They sow discord.

**Dragon God**

Bitch, don't take me for a joke.  
>I will kill you with flames and poisoned smoke.<br>Also got a smack of god,  
>Use it to take out, your six-eyed,<br>Faglord squad!

Your freak show archive's,  
>Gonna burn when I arrive.<br>I'm coming for you runt,  
>You'll pay for your treacherous stunt!<p>

Hey, you got a daughter right?  
>Wearing all white?<br>Well, I think I saw her earlier,  
>Giving head to the Chosen Undead.<p>

Alright, I have had my fun,  
>Get ready, because you ARE DONE!<p>

**_WHO WON IT?_**

**_WHO'S UP NEXT?_**

**_DECIDE IT BITCHES!_**

* * *

><p>There's a new rap for all you fans<br>**All that typing cramped my hands.  
><strong>Bitch be quiet, I wrote the damn thing.  
><strong>Doesn't mean I didn't help,<br>****I came up with the raps to sing.  
><strong>Fine, you helped a bit,  
>Now out we go,<br>**_Thus ends the babble ,  
><em>****_Of these two heads of shit._**


	7. Vengarl Vs Havel

**Okay Omegle, should I say it or should you?**

Go ahead, I am feeling lazy today.

**Well because your lazy ass went and beat DKS2 we now have a bigger roster.**

Which means we can now have a rap battle like this! (Thank you Robzombie for the suggestion) Take it away Beast!

* * *

><p><em><strong>Gladly, people of FanFiction, are, you, ready? No? Well screw you too. Today we have,<strong>_

_**Havel The Rock!**_

_**VS!**_

_**Vengarl of Forossa! BEGIN!**_

**Vengarl**

So you're this "Havel" I've been hearing about.  
>I'll chew you up and spit you out!<br>Because Vengarl's the name and I'm here to play,  
>Somebody should have warned you about the day.<br>When I smash The Rock like a puny stone.  
>Break every single fucking bone!<p>

Warrior of Forossa, best they ever made.  
>I don't take prisoners, so start digging your grave.<br>Make you wish you stayed in that tower,  
>Once you get a taste of my awesome power!<p>

I have a cleaver in my left hand, a scimmy in my right  
>The sight of them make men cry into the night.<br>Any one I backup won't have to worry in the least.  
>Cause they know they have the help of THE Mad Beast!<p>

**Havel**

Mad Beast? You've gotta be joking.  
>Last I heard it was on a sword you were choking.<br>Now you're a severed head surrounded by mist.  
>Who's about to get a taste of my rock hard fist.<p>

I'm Havel The Rock, and I don't mess around.  
>I'll knock your candy ass flat to the ground!<br>Was an unstoppable force before you were born.  
>So here is something I gotta forewarn.<br>Mess with me and get pounded every which way!  
>Then I'll shove this Dragon Dildo up your ass, sideways!<p>

I got poise for days, and ain't going down.  
>Bitch slap your face all across the town.<br>I'll knock your teeth out you fucking clown!  
>Then lock you in a tower where you won't be found.<p>

**Vengarl**

Lock me away? Quit tripping!  
>I'll bust out that shitty tower and get to ripping<br>Out your spine  
>And spit another lethal rap line!<p>

Though I'm a severed head,  
>That was surely left for dead.<br>My body can still have some slaying fun.  
>Sorry, Havel but your end has begun.<p>

Now pal you better start praying.  
>Because you're the one that I'll be slaying!<br>Hey listen here, there's something worth tellin'  
>You're going down harder than that pathetic rebellion!<p>

**Havel**

You don't scare me you little pup.  
>So back off before I fuck you up!<br>My direction is the where all the ladies be looking.  
>If ya smell what The Rock is cooking.<p>

Impervious to all forms of magic attack.  
>Physical strikes can't knock me back.<br>I'll crush your skull with a resounding crack.  
>You can't beat me, that's a fact.<p>

Now I got one you have to know.  
>You shouldn't have gone toe-to-toe<br>With the king of the school of hard knocks.  
>Cause, bitch, YOU CAN'T STOP THE ROCK!<p>

* * *

><p>There goes that kick ass rap.<br>**Omega you need a bitch slap.  
><strong>How is that so?  
><strong>Mofo you know.<br>**I bet it's just cause that rhymes.  
><strong>Look who's right this time.<br>**You know, you're an ass.  
><strong>Of course, now I dismiss this class.<strong>


End file.
